Letter To Abish

(this letter was read in her funeral)

My Dear Daughter Abish,

It was not my plan to see you so soon, nor was it my wish to have you leave so quickly. But plans sometimes change, and wishes do not always come true I am left with the memory of the moments we spent together and images of your tiny body floating through my mind.

I pray that these words may find their way to you so you will know how much you mean to me and how your brief time has changed me.

As we waited in the hospital I remember watching everyone preparing. All of the nurses getting ready and then suddenly all of it was gone. All I saw was you and your mother. Time stood still as I held you in the palm of my hand.

Not knowing how long I might have, I placed both hands under you and performed the only Priesthood ordinance you could have. As I gave you your name and expressed our love for you I longed to bless you as I have your siblings, with all of the aspirations of a loving father. But that was not to be so I blessed you with the only thing that seemed right, that when your short life was at an end you would have a speedy journey back to Heavenly Father's Presence.

As your mother and I looked at you we tried to memorize every feature. We marveled at your perfectly formed hands and feet. We mused to each other; “She has your eyes” She has my mouth”

Through the tears and pain something unexpected happened. I could feel a light coming from you . A brightness and warmth that had not been there before began to fill the room. Your mother have felt it too, as we both were calmed and focused, not wanting to miss the tiniest detail.

The first few days after your passing were difficult to bear. The loss weighed heavily on my mind. Slowly as the memory of you brought that precious feeling back and the light began to grow inside me, I realized the true gift that your life has given to me. My memory of your life makes me want to be like You. I want others to see that light shining still through me!

In the months and Years to come the pain and grief of your loss will ease, but that light will continue to shine! Wherever I find pain and sorrow I will left and comfort, the light you shone in my heart, I will shine on others in darkness.

Abish my tender one, your life was brief but your impact on me will live on. I will grieve your passing, but I will not overcome by grief. There will be moments of darkness, but I will not let the darkness overtake me.

It has been said the “ The light that burns twice as bright burn for half as long”. My Sweet Abish, your light has burnt Brighter than them all!

You are forever in my heart and in my mind and trusting in Heavenly Father's perfect plan, I know that we will be together again. Never to be separated! Our love for you will see us through to that glorious day!

Daddy

Letter To Ammon

(on his second birthday/death anniversary...)

Ammon My Son,

How I wish you were here. It is two years ago today since we were together. Those brief moments that we got to share are still etched on my mind. Your life on this earth was so very short, and yet those moments we spent together have changed who I am in ways that are hard to describe.

I've been a Father before and since, for your Brothers and Sister, but that day I learned the hardest part of what it means to be a father. I learned what it means to have to say goodbye to a precious child. I have thought long about that day and those precious moments holding you in the palm of my hand. I've wondered what might have been. I've thought how things could have been different. I've felt you near when the memories wanted to overcome me. And I feel you now as I remember that day.

If you were here now you would be nearing your 2^nd birthday. I 'm sure you would be just walking and beginning to talk. We would be playing together, and your smile would be the light of our home! How I have wished those things for you. But your purpose in our lives was a different one. God had a greater purpose for you, one that is still unfolding. My memories of you motivate and guide me now. Being your father helps me be a better father for your siblings. My desire to see you again guides my actions so that I may be worthy of that blessing.

I named you Ammon because I knew you had a great mission to perform. Just like Ammon of old I am sure that you are now serving that mission and blessing so many others by that service. When my thoughts turn to you this knowledge turns my sorrow to joy and lifts my spirits.

Where you are now, you can see the end from the beginning. There, in the presence of our God, you know with a certain knowledge that all of this is for our good and will make us stronger and more united. From My vantage point, veiled from the glory around you, those things are only seen through the eyes of my faith. But for now that is enough. My Love for You and our Faith will see us through and one day we will be together, never to be apart again.

I miss you my Son, but we must get on with that work the Lord has given us to do. Visit me sometimes, that I may feel your spirit near, and I promise to keep your memory fresh in my mind as well. I will Love you Always,

Dad...

Abish Story

The following is an excerpts from my husband's journal that he wrote while in the hospital.

October 25, 2010

9:40 A.M

Still holding the silent body of my 7^th child born at 6:48 am this morning. She lived about the same time as Ammon did, about 39 minutes. 39 minutes that seemed like hours for me.

This day began at 3:00 am when Daisy woke me up to say she felt contractions and wanted to go to the hospital. We arrived quickly and the doctor on duty came to check her. A quick check revealed the worst, that she had already fully dilated and the delivery was immanent.

Baby Abish came at at once with the water bag and all. The doctor and nurse sprung into action as she lay on the bed. These first few moments were chaotic, but the images are clear in my mind. Unlike Ammon, Abish had a lot of body motion. Her arms flexed and she wiggled her feet. Even a tiny faint cry was heard and for a few moments my heart lifted at the thought that maybe there was something that could be done for her.

One of the doctors from the NICU was standing by to assess whether to go forward with measures to stabilize her. After looking carefully and measuring heart rate etc., he determined that Abish's body was not sufficiently developed to survive and she was carefully wrapped in a blanket and given back to us. The NICU doctor said her heart rate was about 1/3of normal and irregular.

The rest of our time was spent in trying to be sure we have a good clear memory of our brief time together.

Right after having her back in my hands I asked the nurses to be quiet for a moment and gave her a priesthood blessing and a name. I have previously called our bishop to ask if this was ok to perform the ordinance. Though my emotions were hard to control I performed the ordinance and pronounced her name. I blessed her to have a speedy journey back to our Heavenly Father and expressed our love for Her and our desire to be re united with her and her brother.

I think we're still in shock and disbelief at this point as the full impact of this day has not yet hit me. I never imagined that I would be called upon by Heavenly father to experience this loss again. Although I have been through this before, I was nonetheless unprepared for it. As with Ammon, the moments and actions of others in the room seemed to disappear and a sort of a tunnel vision focused my attention to Daisy and Abish. Together Daisy and I examined and memorized every detail of our sweet baby Abish, not wanting to miss any possible opportunity for the closeness we would soon lose. Every moment of her hands and every attempt at taking a breath caused my heart to leap in my chest and the fall again as she fell still